User blog:Wild Doogy Plumm/Sixclaw Frozen Yogurt

Starring:


 * Swartt Sixclaw
 * Ferahgo the Assassin
 * Sunflash the Mace
 * Veil Sixclaw
 * Klitch

Also starring:


 * Slagar the Cruel
 * Gulo the Savage
 * Gabool the Wild
 * Vitch
 * Urgan Nagru
 * Urthstripe the Strong
 * Halfchop
 * Plumnose
 * Mokkan the Marlfox
 * Emperor Ublaz
 * Farran the Poisoner
 * Princess Kurda

and more!!

Intro
Swartt Sixclaw was tired of the Warlording business.

Swartt: Yeah, the salary was good but the Getting-Powned-By-A-Badger-Lord-Insurance wasn't included. And that stunk believe me.

Anyway, the uninsured ferret decided to start an ice cream shop of all things.

Swartt: It's frozen yogurt.

''Whatever. Now why don't we spend a week with Swartt and his new business......''

Day 1
Swartt is standing behind the counter of his self-serve ice cream-

Swartt: I told you it's frozen yogurt!!!

''Okay, okay! His self-serve frozen yogurt shop waiting for his first customer, when who should walk in but.....''

Veil: Wassup Pops! Can I have some ice cream?

Swartt (in disbelief):You're my first customer?! No, you can not have ice cream because I don't have ice cream; it's frozen yogurt! And I won't give you any of that either. Now get lost brat!

Veil: Fine! If that's the way you'll treat me I'll just go across the street and hang with my homie Klitch!

Veil walks out.

Swartt (under his breath): Yeah, I wish you'd hang.

In walks Ferahgo the Assassin, yelling at the other side of the street.

Ferahgo: Fine then have it your own way! Hang out with your buddy Veil see if I care!! But don't say I didn't warn you; he grew up in Redwall Abbey, he'll be a good example to you!

Ferahgo walks over to the yogurt dispensers, grumbling, gets some chocolate and then goes up to Swartt.

Ferahgo: How much for the ice cream?

Swartt: It's frozen yogurt. And it's $16.95.

Ferahgo: Man, that's expensive. Here.

''Ferahgo pays Swartt then goes and sits down at the table closest to the counter. Swartt leans across the counter.''

Swartt: So, you're having trouble with your kid too huh?

Ferahgo: Yeah, tell me about it. We don't agree on anything.

Swartt: Same here. So when did it all start?

Ferahgo: It all started.... when he was born.

Swartt: Well, duh!

Ferahgo: Be quiet I'm having a Flashback!

Ferahgo Flashback

'A handsome young weasel with a lot of knives on him is sitting in a hospital waiting room. A rat in doctor's attire comes out and says,'

'“Congratulations! It's a boy!!”'

The weasel turns to the doctor and yells in anguish,

'“Noooooooo! Now I have someone who can take over my horde from me! This is all your fault!”'

'The weasel pulls out one of his knives and stabs the rat doctor, who crumples lifeless to the ground. The weasel stares down at him then looks up and shouts,'

'“Doctor! Oh, wait.... that was the doctor. Whatever.”'

He then turns to a black fox sitting down behind him who is almost invisible because the waiting room chairs are black.

'“Farran, I need you to mix together your strongest poisons and put it in the brat's formula. Oh, and don't forget to wear your disguise.'

The fox reaches in to his pocket and pulls out some Groucho glasses and puts them on.

“No not that one!” the weasel said, “the other one!”

The fox puts the glasses back into his pocket and then takes out a surgical mask and puts in around his face.

'“Good. Now get in there, and do your stuff.”'

The fox goes into the hospital room, while the weasel stays behind rubbing his paws in evil glee.

End Ferahgo Flashback

Swartt: So did it work?

Ferahgo: Um, no. Duh.

Swartt: Oh, yeah, right. You were just talking to him.

''Swartt turns his back to the door and starts cutting up some strawberries for toppings. The door opens and Gulo walks in.''

Gulo: Give me ice cream!!

Swartt:(sigh) How many times do I have to say it!?

Swartt starts turning to the door.

Swartt: It's not ice cream, it's frooooozzzennnn.........

Swartt sees Gulo.

Swartt (hurriedly): One ice cream coming up.

Gulo: Me want meat flavor. With blood sauce!

Swartt: Okaaaaay.... Be right back.

''Swartt ducks out the back door. Gulo goes and sits down at the table next to Ferahgo. Ferahgo is reading a newspaper.''

Gulo (causally to Ferahgo): So, what's up?

Ferahgo: Nothing much. How about you?

Gulo: Oh, the usual. Killing woodlanders....

Ferahgo: Yeah. Same here.

Gulo: Destroying woodlander's homes.....

Ferahgo: Same here.

Gulo: Eating woodlanders.

Ferahgo: Same he- WHAT?!?!

Gulo leans over and looks at Ferahgo's newspaper.

Gulo: So, did my football team win?

Ferahgo: Who's your team?

Gulo: University of Michigan.

Ferahgo (looking at sports section): Ummmmm.... Nope. They lost to the Borderland University Squirrels. 70-0.

Gulo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Swartt comes back in carrying a dead wood-pigeon.

Swartt: One meat flavored frozen yogurt, coming up.

''Swartt begins chopping up the bird and draining the blood onto the frozen yogurt mixed with pigeon meat. Once he's done Gulo walks up....''

Swartt: That'll be $16.95.

Gulo: Why should I pay?

Swartt: Um.... uhhhh..... Oh look it's Wolverine's-Eat-Free-Day! Lucky for you!

Gulo: Not as lucky as you are!

Swartt: Hehehehe.....

''Gulo leaves. A few minutes later the door opens and Gabool walks in, the little bell at the top of the door rings....''

Gabool (panicked): Ahhhhhh no!!! Where is it? It's the bell! It's everywhere! Get it away! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Gabool runs out screaming.

Swartt: (rolls eyes) I get all the loonies.

Ferahgo looks at his watch.

Ferahgo: Well time for me to go. See you tomorrow!

Swartt: Why? What's tomorrow?

Ferahgo: Ummmm, I'll be coming back to your shop.......?

Swartt: Oh, yeah. Okay. See you tomorrow!

''Ferahgo leaves. Swartt starts chopping up some mangoes (imported from Sampetra). The door opens, blowing in some dust. A tumbleweed rolls by. Western showdown music starts to play. Swartt looks up and there, framed in the doorway, stands his arch-nemesis. Sunflash the Mace, Badger Lord of Salamandastron. The badger narrows his eyes and glares at the ferret. Swartt does the same, still cutting up mangoes. Sunflash walks over to the chocolate yogurt dispenser, eyes still locked with Swartt's. Once Sunflash's bowl is filled, he walks over to the counter where Swartt is, his paw straying to the mace at his side. Swartt's paw starts inching toward the sword strapped to his belt, his claws itching to grab the hilt. They stare at one another from each side of the counter, neither one lowering his gaze. Then, the Badger Lord speaks...''

Sunflash (causally): I'll have some chocolate chips.

Swartt (equally casual): Okay.

''Swartt puts chocolate chips on Sunflash's yogurt. Then the badger and ferret both walk over to the cash register. Sunflash puts his bowl down, Swartt weighs it.....''

Swartt: That'll be $16.95. Plus the regular Mossflower tax, and the good-guy tax, the badger tax, Badger Lord tax, and the arch-nemesis tax. So that comes around to about $118.73.

Sunflash: WHAT!!!???

Swartt: Well, those are the prices, take it or leave it.

Sunflash grabs his frozen yogurt and throws it in Swartt's face.

Sunflash: I'll leave it. I can get better prices at the Warrior's Frozen Yogurt shop run by Matthias across the street!!

''Sunflash walks out and slams the door. Swartt runs to the window and sees the badger walk into the frozen yogurt shop across the street.''

Swartt: Competition!!?? How am I going to deal with this!?