User blog:Martin2/Insanity Incarnate

TBT (Tyrannical Badger Tom) deleted this on the RW, so it's here now.

I have decided to allow other users to make appearances in this. Please name them after a character you wish to parody in a movie/book/TV series and I'll see what I can do.

Chapter I: The Titleless Chapter
Whump. Something very large and unpleasant had just hit Malcom on the head. His first thought was What? His second thought was OWOWOWOWOWOW^*)^%&^%*)&%^)^%#$^%^*(@#$&^*. He was cruelly and most necessarily robbed of the opportunity for a third thought, seeing as the very large and unpleasant something had caused him to lose his consciences, and it took almost an hour for him to find it again. When he final awoke, he was lying on the ground. His vision was totally obscured by what seemed to be, oddly enough, the very largeProxy-Connection: keep-alive Cache-Control: Proxy-Connection: keep-alive Cache-Control: max-age=0

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nd unpleasant something. To his surprise, Malcom discovered it was an abnormally large Kumquat. Now what, he thought, Is this abnormally large Kumquat here for? After a mental pause in which the voice in Malcom’s head, Robert, did not respond (he was taking a bathroom break), Malcom bravely forged ahead in his futile one-sided mental conversation And why is Kumquat capitalized? When, once again, Robert did not respond (He had been uProxy-Connection: keep-alive Cache-Control: max-age=0

ware that last night’s pizza was actually an artifact from the early Jurassic period) Malcom abandoned trying to talk to himself and decided he would try to eat the Kumquat. He abandoned this, too, when, upon Malcom opening his mouth, the Kumquat flew up to the height of the Abbey walltop and exploded in a shower of orange pulp. Malcom was thoroughly disgusted. He cleaned the pulp of himself. “Did I miss anything?” said Robert. “I swear the pizza was poisoned.”

Chapter II: We Only Need Three Walls!
“Hey, what idiot’s idea was it to put the chapter numbers in Roman Numerals?” Malcom demanded. “The readers will get confused once we’re past X! Maybe even before then!” Another Kumquat missed by several inches. “Okay! Have it your way!” He yelled at the sky. “And you can lay off the Kumquats!” He added. A giant pineapple subsequently struck Malcom in the face. Once again, his conciseness was lost. Once again it was a process of several hours before he awoke. “Well it wasn’t a Kumquat.” Robert euphonized. A crow’s caw turned into beautiful harp music. Malcom scratched his head, but stopped upon finding a rather large, painful bump in the way. He scratched his chin instead. “Euphonized doesn’t really fit in this context does it?” “I don’t see what you mean.” Robert euthanized. A small animal died. “Stop!” cried Malcom “Before you do something irreversible!” “It’s not that bad!” Robert incinerated. Several trees burst into flame. “Okay it’s a bit odd, I’ll admit” Robert terrorized. A group of passing Dibbuns screamed and ran in circles. Malcom was mortified. Mostly due to the fact he had just realized he was not wearing any underwear. But also somewhat due to the events happening around him. “I wonder if…” Robert mined. A large hole appeared in the ground with several dwarfs working in it. One climbed out, tipping his hat to Malcom. “G’day!” Malcom was surprised. “Wha.. Huh?” he said. The dwarf grew angry. “Well don’t act all surprised! People will think ye’ve never seen a dwarf before. Good day!” He went back into the mine. “Make it stop!” Malcom yelled. “Oh fine.” Robert canceled. Everything went back to normal. Well, sort of. A couple more Kumquats descended rapidly from above.

Chapter III: Swan Combat
Malcom decided to go indoors. He hoped Kumquats couldn’t penetrate solid rock. He paused in a hallway for a moment to pursuer this train of thought further. Then something happened that caused his train of thought to screech to a screaming halt and derail. A group of armed men with long sleeved Indiana Joneish shirts with pink polka dot handkerchiefs over their mouths proceeded to murder everyone onboard and rob it. A giant lizard then stomped on the remains. Malcom still struggled to continue thinking by considering why the men were wearing pink polka dots when he suddenly realized what had just appeared in front of him. It was a swan. A miniature swan. Made of red straw. With a hat. Made of cheese. And it was moving. It was killing a small model of the moon. He stepped on it. It exploded violently, blasting a hole in the roof. A Kumquat fell exactly through it and struck Malcom on the head.

Chapter IV: A Very Short Chapter
Malcom woke up. Another Kumquat hit him on the head.

Chapter V: Mossflower Jones
Malcom woke up and immediately got away from the hole. Then something else happened. “Robert?” He began “Why am I wearing leather? And why do I have this whip?” Robert did not reply. A Kumquat fell through the hole and started rolling towards him. He ran. A musical score started playing. ''Dun du dun dun! Dun du duh!'' There was a trench in the floor. A strange squirrel shouted at him from across it. “Quick! Throw me the idle and I’ll throw you the whip!” Malcom realized he was holding a golden statue of some weird mouse. He threw at the squirrel and knocked him out. “Oops.” He said. The Kumquat knocked him into the dark abyss.

Chapter VI: Mouse Wars
Malcom continued to fall. He landed on a strangle platform. He had Martin’s Sword! Another mouse, wearing black armor approached him, holding a sword that had been painted red. “There is no escape!” He began, “Don't make me destroy you. Malcom, you do not yet realize your importance. You've only begun to discover your power! Join me, and I will complete your training! With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict, and bring order to the galaxy.” “I’ll never join you!” Malcom yelled, not quite sure of why he was doing it. “If only you knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.” The other responded. “What? Dark Side? Obi-Won? My father died four years ago when he jumped off a cliff because he thought he was a duck.” “No. I am your father.” The black armored mouse said. Malcom stared at him. “No…. That’s impossible. I already told you, my father’s dead.” “Search your feelings; you know it to be true!” “No, I really don’t.” Malcom responded. “Malcom, you can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny! Join me, and together, we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Come with me. It is the only way.” The black armored mouse continued. Malcom got angry. “Look! You’re not my father! Okay?” “Fine!” Said the mouse, and he kicked Malcom off the ledge and into the abyss.

Chapter VII: Malcom Reynolds
Malcom fell through the abyss. Weeeeeeeeeee He thought. He landed on something metal. It was an airlock. He opened it and stepped inside what appeared to be a giant metal swallow. Someone was sitting on a strange chair in front of strange instruments playing with strange plastic models of strange creatures. “Yes...yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it...this land.” He said, playing with one of the creatures. He picked up another one. “I think we should call it...your grave!” he continued. He picked up the first one again. “Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!” He took the second on again. “Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! Now DIE!” He picked up the first one again. “No! Please, no!” Malcom approached cautiously. “Who are you?” He asked. The mouse jumped three feet. “Umm.. Captain? I’m Wash, remember?” Malcom shook his head. “No, as a matter of fact I don’t.” The giant metal swallow shook. “What’s going on?” Wash clicked a random switch in order to give the impression he was being useful. “The primary buffer panel just failed.” Malcom nodded. “Oh! Good!” Wash gave him a strange look. “No. That’s very very bad.” Malcom nodded again. “Oh. Define ‘bad.” Wash clicked another random switch. “We’re all going to die.” Malcom nodded, feeling that he was giving the impression of a bobbing apple in water. “Oh. Is that your fault?” Was shook his head. “Ask Kailee. If the ship crashes, she crashed it.” Malcom nodded again. “Oh.” He walked out a random door. “Other way, captain!” Wash called after him. Malcom nodded. “Oh.” He went the other way. A thought struck him. Why was everything so shiny here? He opened another door. And why were there so many doors? He added. Another strange person stood there. “Don’t worry, everything’s shiny!” She said, attempting to fix something. Malcom nodded. “I noticed. But how does that prevent us from dying?” “It doesn’t.” Malcom nodded. “Oh.” The giant metal swallow crashed into the ground at upwards of nine thousand miles per hour. And a Kumquat hit it.Malcom managed to open an airlock. A young mouse was standing there, whispering to herself. “Hello.” He said. She pointed at a bunch of cattle. “They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky, and they remember what they are.” “What?” She turned to him. “You're afraid we're going to run out of air. That we'll die gasping. But we won't. That's not going to happen.” Malcom scratched his chin. “Oh. Good.” “We'll freeze to death first.”  Malcom nodded. “Hmmmmm.” “I can kill you with my brain.” She said. Malcom nodded. He was becoming an expert at nodding. “Oh. Good.” “I don't belong.… dangerous, like you. Can't be controlled, can't be trusted. Everyone can just go on without me and not have to worry. People could be what they wanted to be… could be with the people they wanted.… could live simple, no secrets.” Malcom saw the logic in this. Sort of. “Okay then. Whatever you say.” She stood silently, staring at Malcom’s habit. This went on for several hours. “Well?!” demanded Malcom. “Are you going to say something?!!” “I hate that color on you. I always have.” She said. And with that, she was gone. Just disappeared. Malcom decided he was not going to try and figure out what had happened.

Chapter VIII: Back to the Abbey
Malcom stood there, wondering what else would happen when a car blasted through the space time continuum and nearly ran him over. “What the salamander!” He yelled. An old mouse stepped out. “Hello Malcom!” He said. “What is this?” He yelled pointing to the car. “It’s my time machine!” He said. He noticed the car had Doc Brown Enterprises painted on it. “You built a time machine out of a car?!” He asked. “Well, I figure,” said Doc Brown, “If you’re going to travel through time why not do it in style?” Malcom frowned. “How does it work?” Doc Brown stood up straight. “Great Scott Malcom! You’re not thinking Fourth Dimensionally!” Suddenly some other cars pulled up. “Who are they?” Asked Malcom. “Libyans! I cheated them out of Plutonium for the Flux Capacitor!” Malcom didn’t bother asking what those were. One of them fired a gun and killed Doc Brown. Malcom jumped in the car and sped away. There was a flash of light and he ran into a corn field. “Wow. This…. Is not an ideal situation.” He said. He got out of the car. It was daytime. His father was standing in the middle of the road. He had gone back in time! Suddenly a car with a California license plate came speeding down the road. “Dad!” Malcom yelled. He pushed his dad out of the way. The car hit him. A large man with a heavy Australian accent stepped out of the car. “Mission Accomplished.” He said, and disappeared. Malcom awoke later. “Oh you’re awake.” His mother said. Malcom suddenly realized what had happened. He had just prevented his mom from ever meeting his dad. “Wow,” he said. “This really sucks.” He disappeared in a grandfather paradox of death and destruction. Luckily his Mom and Dad later met at the Halloween dance, and time was restored. He was also saved from a potentially awkward situation, because at the time his Mom had been an outrageous flirt. He reappeared on a cliff at the seaside, wondering how he still existed.

Chapter IX: John Malcom
The large, Austrian man appeared from nowhere. “For the love of daises fluttering in the outrageous South wind!” Malcom shouted. The Austrian guy towered over him. “How ees it that you are still alive?” he said. “I was kind of wondering the same thing.” Malcom said. The Austrian man looked at the sea. “Ever wonder how your father died? It was me! I was sent back in time to terminate him so you would never exist!” Malcom nodded. “Oh. Why?” The Austrian guy shrugged. “I don’t know.” Malcom gasped. “It was you in the car!” The man appeared shocked. “How did you know?” Malcom shrugged. “I saw you.” “Oh.” Said the Austrian. “My name’s Arnold, by the way.” He continued. “Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’m governor of a state in my spare time.” Malcom nodded. “You mean when you’re not murdering people’s parents?” “No,” Said Arnold, “I also fight aliens. And I’m a barbarian. I police Kindergarten children. I’m also a Greek hero. But yes,” He conceded, “I do murder people’s parents. Why just last month I went after this gal names Sarah Conner-” “Listen,” Said Malcom, “I’d love to here about it, but I really want to know how you killed my father.” Arnold shrugged. “Oh, I just pushed him off a cliff. I tried to hit him with a car, but some idiot got in the way.” Malcom’s jaw dropped. “That was you?” “Yeah!” Said Arnold. “But that was only four years ago! I was already born then!” “Oops. Just a second.” Said Arnold. He painted a machine face on half of his face. “Say your goodbyes. I’ll be bach!” He said, and disappeared.

Chapter X: Malcom of the Rings
Malcom found himself seated suddenly among many people. In the center of their circle was a pedestal with a golden ring on it. Some strange, tall mouse with pointy ears said. “It is decided. The Ring must go Mordor. Who here is brave enough to do this?” Malcom raised his hand. It couldn’t be that hard!Could it? The strange mouse stared at him. “Hobbits shall always surprise me.” “Hobbits? Huh?” Malcom was thoroughly confused. Suddenly he was climbing a mountain. There was fire. He was wearing a ring around his neck. “Why am I wearing a ring? That’s dumb!” He ripped it off and through it into the volcano. A strange demented rat appeared and jumped in after it. Suddenly some elf guy appeared and yelled “They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard!” The volcano exploded. Some strange hobbit appeared. “Mr. Frodo!” and then disappeared. A stew of rabbits was dumped on Malcom’s head. “W- what?” The demented rat appeared again. “Stupid fat Hobbits!” Malcom dived for him. “You’re you calling fat?” He bit the rat’s finger off. And danced into the lava. For the heck of it. The Lava turned into a shower of Kumquats.

Chapter XI: The Insanity of Shannara
Camera Four: Crane shot downwards to a panoramic view of Shady Vale.

Camera Six: Tracking shot, following Flick and Shea walking past several houses.

Camera Eight-

“Hold it! This isn’t a movie!” Malcom yelled. Steven Spielberg looked offended. “Fine then! I’ll just go make another Terminator sequel!” Thousands of angry Shannara series fans approached. With pitchforks. And torches. You would think that in a world with powerful magic they would find something more useful. Oh well. A strange man with one arm in a dark cloak appeared. “Hello. Could you hold these for me? Thanks.” And he ran away, leaving a confused Malcom holding three blue stones. Suddenly they grew warm and blue light vaporized the approaching fans. Malcom shrugged and threw the stones away. He tripped over a black gem. It had a slip of paper tied to it. “Neutralizes other magic. Whoop de do.” “Maybe this can counteract Kumquats.” Malcom said. He pocketed it.

Chapter XII: Malcom Potter
He flew out of fireplace. He hit a sharp desk at an odd angle. “Ouch!” he yelled. His forehead hurt. Someone rushed up to him. It was a random person. The random person gasped. “It’s Malcom Potter! Look at his scar!” “What scar?” Malcom asked. He felt his forehead. He had gotten a scar in the exact shape of a lighting bolt when he hit the table. “Wow. What are the odds?” A mouse with pointy ears appeared. “10000000000000000000000000 to 1 against. Live long and prosper.” He said, and disappeared. Malcom nodded. “Oh.” He got hit in the face by a flying broom. Suddenly a strange mouse wearing stranger clothes appeared. “I’m Sybil Trewlaney.” She said. She looked at the broom and gasped. “It is a sign of impending doom! DOOM! DOOOOOOOOOOM!” she yelled, and then ran into a wall. Malcom nodded. “Oh. Doom. Good.” Another broom narrowly missed him. It was labeled the “Kumquat 2000”. Malcom got on it for some reason known only to those strange beings that make things happen for the sake of advancing plotlines. He crashed the broom into a ticking clock. The clock turned out to be a pipe bomb. With candy. Malcom was showered in Ketchup Flavored Tootsie Rolls. He tried one. “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew….” He said, and spit it out. There was a loud crack and some old mouse appeared. “I see you’ve found one of Barney Tot’s Every Flavor Tootsie Rolls.” Malcom nodded. “Oh.” The mouse continued. “I am now going to tell you your back story in order to bore you immensely.” “Hold on, I’m not sure if I want to be bored immensely!” Malcom said. The old mouse glared at him. “You think you can defy me, Potter? Well you can’t! Why? Because I’m Dumbledore, that’s why! I’m the greatest wizard who ever lived! I INVENTED MAGIC!” Malcom backed down. “Okay! Just don’t give yourself a hernia or something!” But Dumbledore was on a roll. “I’LL GIVE MYSELF A HERNIA IF I WANT TO, POTTER! YOU THINK YOU CAN ORDER ME AROUND? WELL YOU CAN’T! VOLDEMORT FEARS ONLY ME! I’M AWESOME! YOU HEAR ME POTTER? AWESOME! I’M DUMBLEDORE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Malcom decided to let him vent his rage. “YOU SEE THIS PAW! I BURNT THIS PAW JUST TO SHOW HOW AWESOME I AM! MY OLDER BROTHER’S AN INFERI AND MY YOUNGER BROTHER’S A GOAT HERDER! I EAT LEMON DROPS! I HAVE A CIGERATE LIGHTER THAT PUTS OUT STREETLIGHTS! MY YOUNGER SISTER WAS KILLED BY GRINDEWALD! MY MUM WAS DESTROYED MY A MAGICAL EXPLOSION! I’M HEAD MASTER OF HOGARTS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Malcom nodded. “Yes sir, Dumbledore.” Dumbledore continued on. “MY FULL NAME’S ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE! I CAN EAT INOINS WITHOUT CRYING AND I HAVE A MAGICAL BIRD IN MY OFFICE THAT BURSTS INTO FLAME NOW AND THEN! AND YOU? YOU’RE A STUCK UP BRAT!” Malcom nodded. Dumbledore finally stopped. “Now,” he said, with a dangerous undertone, “Do you want to hear your back story?” Malcom nodded. “Okay, so when you were born, there was a bad tempered fox named Voldemort. He was mean. Anyway, he didn’t like your parent’s attitude, so, on Halloween, in the dead of night, he stole into your house and-” Malcom knew where this was going. “He killed my father. My mother tried to protect me, but she died too. But when he tried to kill me, his powers were broken and-” “Heavens no!” said Dumbledore. “He slapped them around for a few minutes and left. Your father died four years ago when a time traveling governor pushed him off a cliff and your mother died at 9 o’ clock when a Kumquat hit her.” Malcom nodded. “Oh.”

Chapter: XIII: The Unlucky Chapter
Trelawney appeared again. “This is the thirteenth chapter! It is a sign of doom! DOOOOOOOM! DOOOOOOOOOOM!” A broomstick killed her. “That brings her total number of accurate predictions up to one.” Said Dumbledore. “I should give her a pay raise.” He laughed. “Oh, wait! She’s dead!” Dumbledore broke into a fit of hysterical laughter. “She’s dead! How can you be laughing?” Malcom asked. Dumbledore stopped laughing. He drew his wand and pressed it up against Malcom’s throat. “I’ve had enough of your cheek, Potter! Avada Kada-” “Now Crookshanks!” Someone yelled. A tiger pounced on Dumbledore. A female mouse wearing a headband, combat boots, and armed with at least twelve wands grabbed Malcom’s arm. “Let’s get out of here! Ron!” Another mouse with flaming red fur and wearing square glasses that served no purpose other than to make him look cooler (or so he thought) appeared. They were not the normal kind of glasses that looked fine, but strange glasses that gave the appearance that the middle of one’s head was twenty seven times smaller than the rest. He was also wearing a headband. There were three brooms, each labeled “Waterbolt” Waiting. “Quick!” said the first mouse. “Get on!” Malcom got on the broom, feeling rather silly. Suddenly he flew into the air. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!” They soon leveled out, flying above the clouds. Malcom gasped. From lack of air. But also because he had just realized something. “One of these brooms killed Trelawney!” The first mouse nodded. “Of course! She’s in league with Dumbledore! I can’t believe we finally got a crack at her!” “Who are yo-” Malcom began, but she interrupted him. “It’s not secure here! There will be plenty of time for question back at the HQ!” Malcom heard Ron’s overly feminine voice on his right. “We’re making our final approach!” The three brooms descended onto a landing pad and came to a halt. Malcom jumped off his broom. The other two showed him inside a large steal building. “Welcome,” said the first mouse, “to the Headquarters of the V.A.!” “V.A.?” Said Malcom. “Voldemort’s Army.”

Chapter XIV: Voldemort Revealed
“Hold on,” said Malcom “Isn’t he the fox that slapped my parents?” “No!” Said the mouse fiercely. “Dumbledore did it! He blamed Voldemort to save his own hide! We’ve been trying to take him down for years. I’m Hermione Granger, by the way. And this is Ron Weasly.” “Hello!” Ron squeaked. “Anyway,” Hermione continued, “Dumlbledore’s been after Voldemort for years. We only just managed to save you from him. He took over the state school, Hogwarts, and is infecting young mice’s brains with his horrible teachings. He must be stopped!” Crookshanks the Tiger returned. Hermonie stiffened. “Gather the members. We attack tonight.” Malcom was very confused. “Why?” “Crookshanks has weakened Dumbledore. It’s now or never.” Malcom paused. “Then why didn’t you just set Crookshanks on him before?” “He would have set up anti cat defenses. Now that we have you, we can do this!” “Me?” said Malcom. “Don’t you understand?” said Hermione “You’re Malcom Potter! You’re the Mouse you Lived! Only you can defeat him!” “Why me?” Malcom asked. Hermione shrugged. “I don’t know. It just is.” Malcom heard a squeak. It was Ron. “They’re here!” Hermione nodded. “Let’s go. We attack by broom.” They mounted their brooms. Hermione drew one of her wands and said “Veho Valkyariss!” Music started playing. They kicked off and sailed towards the lair of the evil Dumbledore. Suddenly, a beeping noise started. "Incoming missiles!" yelled Hermione. "Take evasive action!" Malcom realized he didn't know how to steer the broom. "Hermione! Are these magic based missiles?" he yelled. Hermione nodded. Malcom removed the black gem with the note tied to it. There was more writing on the back. "To use, yell Jiggery Pokery!" "JIGGERY! POKERY!" yelled Malcom as the soundtrack faded out to emphasize his lines. Nothing happened. The missile hit his broomstick. "I'm going dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooown!" he yelled.

(Don't worry. This isn't the end of This chapter. I'm just stopping here.)

What should this parody next? The Shannara Series Harry Potter Stargate (Sg-1, Movie, Atlantis, NOT Universe) Dr. Seuss Hamlet Romeo and Juliet A Midsummer Night's Dream Other (Say in a comment)